Recipe for disaster

Aaaah, life lessons. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, I always say. In fact, I can think of quite a few of my own life lessons right off the bat.

When I was 10 I learned that roller-blading down steep hills sans knee pads is generally a bad idea. When I was 13 I learned that just because you sewed your own costume for the medieval fair, you were not necessarily cool in the eyes of your fellow 7th graders. When I was 19 I learned that one should never date anyone who pops the collars of his polo shirt and is not being ironic. And last night I learned that just because I have a brand-spanking-new KitchenAid to play with, I do not, in fact, have the equivalent of a degree from Le Cordon Bleu Pâtisserie.

Ah well, I had to learn sometime.

Here's what happened. Moments after pulling my shiny KitchenAid out of the packing peanuts and setting it in its place of prominence on my tiny kitchen counter, I dove into my first 'beater-dependent' cooking experiment: Meringues. I had just watched a TV special on the making of meringues and so obviously had no need for a *scoff* recipe. In went the egg whites (and maybe a little yoke, but who's counting anyway?) Unfortunately, after a good 10 minutes of beating, those darn egg whites were as runny and solid as ever. Not even a hint of froth.

"I know how to save this!" I told myself confidently. "I've been baking for years, how hard could it be to invent something new?" As it turns out, improvising a baked good is somewhat trickier than improvising a stew or a curry or a casserole. Go figure.

The resultant cookies were ...gelatinous ...flavorless ...gummy ...pithy ...dense ...and, to add insult to injury, stuck fiercely to the pan. How could one person manage to fit all these characteristics into one batch of cookies? If you're really that curious, please refer to the recipe below.

In conclusion, a few ingredients were wasted, a sweet tooth was left unsatisfied, and my pride was a little worse for wear. Aaah, life lessons. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em...I always say.

Life-Lesson Chocolate Almond Lumps
Ingredients
2 egg whites
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup old fashioned rolled oats
1/4 cup gluten powder
1/4 cup slivered almonds
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 cup milk
1/4 cup water
pinch of salt
1 oz. shaved semi-sweet chocolate
stevia to taste

Step one: Throw everything into the bowl of your mixer.

Step two: Mix on high until everything is more or less mixed together. Actually, mix as long as you want, there's nothing you can do to hurt this recipe.

Step three: Spoon lumps onto a cookie sheet. Be sure not to grease the cookie sheet first if you want the cookies to stick to the pan like mine did.

Step four: Bake for about 10 minutes at 375 degrees, or until the shapeless lumps remain shapeless, and the grayish dough takes on a gray-erish tint around the edges.

Step five: Allow cookies to cool completed before attempting to consume them. I recommend attacking them with a truckload of milk and the number of your local Orthognathic surgeon.

Happy Gnawing!